Before getting married and starting my family, I thought I would want a home full of six children, which I know might sound crazy to many people! I grew up with four siblings and loved having a big family. Being wedged right in the middle of us siblings, I had built-in friends, and hoped to give my kids the same.
Of course, plans changed. I grew up and realized adulthood had many more stressors than I anticipated.
Experiencing a miscarriage
I got married to my husband in 2016 and shortly after found out that I was expecting our first child. We were so excited to welcome a baby into our lives! Shortly after though, we found through ultrasounds that our little one had no heartbeat. It was absolutely devastating. Post-partum depression found its way into my life for the first time, and the mental pain was almost too much to handle.
Only four months after, I found myself taking a positive pregnancy test. My husband and I cried tears of happiness and held onto hope that everything would be ok this time around.
Birth Trauma and a NICU Stay
I gave birth to my daughter in 2018, not knowing that I had fetal and neonatal alloimmune thrombocytopenia (FNAIT). When she was delivered, she was almost immediately rushed to the NICU because of her purple skin and what looked like a hematoma on her head. Thankfully, there was no hematoma, but she did receive a platelet transfusion due to a low platelet count around 11,000.
She progressed quickly and was your average happy little baby! But when it came time to think about our next child, the trauma of that birth experience was overwhelming.
Surprise!
Looking at another positive pregnancy test on New Years Eve of 2019 was not what I had
envisioned at this moment in my life. I remember laying on my bathroom floor, crying and
terrified at the possibility of having another traumatic birth experience or miscarriage. The fear was excruciating. I booked my first appointment with the OBGYN and hoped for the best.
During my first appointment, the OBGYN told me she did not feel safe or comfortable seeing me as her patient until we found out why my daughter had been born with low platelets. I was sent to a high risk OBGYN and there, I was diagnosed with FNAIT.
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Changing Plans
The FNAIT diagnosis brought with it many questions and thoughts surrounding my
previous family plans to have many children. Learning from my medical team that FNAIT would be present in all of my pregnancies, the risk it poses for both myself and my children, the birth trauma I was still suffering with, and depression, I knew our family plans needed to be adjusted. My biggest desire was to be a present mother to my kids, but also to be mentally well. I knew that another FNAIT pregnancy could have the potential to push me over the edge.
I made the decision to have a tubal ligation during my c-section with my son in 2020 and have honestly never looked back. After going through a FNAIT pregnancy during the covid pandemic and running into medical issues with myself during the c-section, I know I made the right decision to be done having children.
Looking forward
I now live in the Midwest with my husband and two beautiful children who love our simple lives here. I’ve had to work, and I continue to work, through therapy to heal the medical trauma I experienced from my three pregnancies, births and post-partum. It has been a challenge, but I am grateful that I knew my limits and chose to stop at two children.
I decided to go back to school last year, and this December will be graduating with my undergraduate degree in counseling and applied psychological sciences. My experiences, although painful, have given me the drive and desire to help others who have gone through traumatic events. Family planning gave me the life that I love while also helping me to develop my skills to help others in the future.
